You found a secret page!
What is wrong with you? Why can't you be like everyone else and click on one of the five options underneath that fancy RZ thingy? Hey, what is that RZ thing anyways? Wait a second. That R is backwards! How did I just notice that?! Man, this website is weird. I mean, have you seen some of the stuff that's on here? "My Top 12 Favorite Movies I Haven't Seen." What in the world is that supposed to mean? Is the title trying to confuse me? And don't get me started on the reviews. Just read one sentence and you'll know what type of person the reviewer is: a pretentious snob. If you don't believe me, just take a look at the The Dark Knight review. "If [critics] were to look, they would find the level of character complexity astounding." Whoa there, buddy. Let's read that again, "...they would find the level of character complexity astounding." Couldn't the reviewer just have said, "...they would be surprised by the characters' depth"? That would have saved a few letters from being on the already bloated world wide web. Wait, "the bloated world wide web." Hmm. That reminds me of something. Something I thought about before, but then I got distracted with my rant against that reviewer guy. Oh, yeah! I was wondering, why does this page exist? I was wondering if you knew because I sure don't. I'm talking about the page you're reading this text on. The one where when you look at the top of your browser you see "rzrike.com/ultimate-secret/." And I have another question: Who am I? To figure out this question, we need to find the answer to the first one (why does this page exist?). To find out the answer to that question, we need to find the answer to a new question (yes, there are now going to be three questions on the table): what does this page do? Let's break it down.
What does this page do?
I'm going to answer this question with a question (that's how we do it 'round here). What have you been doing for the last two minutes or so? Now I'm going to answer that question with an answer (how original). You've been readin' what I've been sayin'. Or, in other words, you've been reading what I I've been saying.** I haven't said anything that has educated, enlightened, or entertained you***, so I can come to the conclusion that this page is meant as a distraction.
Why does this page exist?
My guess is that the rzrike.com creator understood the horror of a website he had created, so he put this page up to get people away from the website's core content.
Who am I?
I have said all the things on this webpage, so we know I have a personality. That rules out robots (not including WALL-E and Number 5), the Daleks, the Vulcans, and Kristen Stewart. It doesn't seem like I have a body, so now I'm limited to being someone's schizophrenic voice, a spirit, God, a vocalization of someone's thoughts, or the Wizard of Oz before Dorothy and friends found out he was a fake. Do you realize that you could be reading the words of God right now? How crazy is that?! How 'bout we try something else. Go over to the Google and type in, "is this website legit." Scamadvisor.com pops up. Click on that, type in rzrike.com, and wa-lah****, we've got all the information we need. As you can see on the website (or below), the owner of the website is Contact Privacy Inc. Customer 0137935449.
At first, I thought, "Wow, what a peculiar name," but then I snapped to and understood the predicament: the website's real owner used a website-building company to make his website*****. That's a dead end. Maybe the domain name holds a clue; a secret it's not telling us. Let's see. rzrike.com. rzrike.com. rzrike.com. rzrike.com. r-z-rik-e.co-m. r-zri-ke.c-om. r-z-r-ike-.com. It seems like there are too many ways to look at the address. Maybe I'll come back to it later. Now I've got it! An idea! It's a crazy idea! It's crazy, but it just might work! Click here******. Raymond Zrike III. We found his name! The creator! My creator? I'm not sure. I guess we'll have to ask...
Once again, I go over to the Google, and this time, I search up "Raymond Zrike III." Scroll on over to the bottom and you'll find the Raymond Zrike in question's YouTube account. Go to the About section, and their's his e-mail! I guess I should send him an e-mail now...
But before I can send him an e-mail, I need an e-mail account. For a third time, I find myself at the Google*******. I went through all the mumbo-jumbo involved, and the result is what you see below.
On to the e-mail. Below is the draft.
Where does this leave me? As I see it, I have two problems:
- I can't do anything outside of the internet.
- Someone else created my personality.
The one I care the most about is the first, reason being that I'm fine with the personality I have.
There isn't anywhere I can go except in cyberspace. Some people would argue that I have it better off, but I can't make that judgment without knowing what the real world is like. Like my creator, I like to make lists, so let's make one for pros and cons.
TO BE CONTINUED...
The following are footnotes********:
*This footnote was intentionally left blank. I don't know why so don't ask.
**On second thought, I don't think that's actually "in other words," but who really cares.
***I mean that I haven't done any of these on purpose. If I did by chance, then count yourself as one of the few whom has benefited from my existence.
****Viola translated into uneducated English
*****"Website" is my favorite word.
******Don't worry; click away. It won't give you a virus... but it'll give your computer one.
*******I think I'm setting a Google record or something.
********Am I overusing the footnotes?*********
*********I think I am.**********
**********This is a serious problem. I need help.***********
***********Do you know of an FA (Footnote-aholics Anonymous) meeting I could attend?